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No-BS Advice: Tell Your Kids You Believe Them

If you, like me, are scared shitless that some human-shaped monster will take advantage of your kids, tell them this and mean it: “No matter what you tell me, I will always believe you.”

It broke my heart to read Olympic gymnast Kyle Stevens’ account of her sexual assault at the hands of Larry Nassar, the sports doctor who assaulted hundreds of girls and young women with impunity for years.

From a recent CNN article:

At 12, [Kyle Stevens] told her parents about the abuse, but they didn’t believe her. The abuse — and their denial — left her feeling brainwashed, caused a split in her family relationship and led to crippling anxiety, she said.

We all know you’re supposed to warn your kids about inappropriate touching of the “no-no square,” but what we don’t realize is how we also instill a sense of taboo around sex that effectively gags our kids when it does happen. Even in today’s day and age, when sex is supposedly “everywhere,” the fact we frame this observation in negative terms means we still consider it a bad thing. “Special victims” in police parlance are victims of sex crimes, meaning we’ve labeled the crime as especially heinous – something has happened to these victims that, we believe, is more damaging than a “regular” crime like a mugging or battery.

Know how sexual predators keep their victims silent? Not with violence or threats or tongue mutilations. It’s with shame.

They rely on their victims not to tell anyone, and it usually works.

Sex is “everywhere,” and it’s “bad.” So how do you counteract the message your kids get from literally everywhere to keep their sexual assault a secret so they don’t have to deal with the stigma? You vow to be their defender, and righteous avenger if necessary, by explicitly taking their side over society’s side. You make that vow by promising to believe them when they tell you something bad has happened to them.

Don’t let some piece of shit sicko think they can get away with messing with your kid. The first step to protecting our children is breaking the code of silence, and that begins with you.

 

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No-BS Advice: Stop Trying to Lose Weight

 

No-BS Advice: This Is How You Kick Ass at Everyday Life

 

In the spirit of helping everyone reach their full kick-ass potential, I’ve decided to start a new blog feature called “No-BS Advice!” It’s similar to my Night Owl writing advice articles, but shorter and aimed at the epic battles we fight in everyday life.

To kick off the New Year, I’ll start with a piece of advice that’s particularly relevant: Stop trying to lose weight. Just stop it already.

Fat is not the enemy! The REAL enemy is our culture’s irrational hatred of fat. Being a size two or having rock-hard abs doesn’t mean you’re healthy, and not having those things doesn’t mean you’re not healthy.

Did you know 97% of people who lose weight via dieting end up gaining it all back? It’s not because all those people are weak-willed chocolate junkies. It’s because their bodies were like “WTF???” and violently protested by jacking up their appetites while lowing their metabolisms to get back to their normal weight.

We see people on television and think those actors are “healthy” weights. But the truth is there is no one-size-fits-all healthy weight, the same way describing how an “average person” looks is unlikely to be accurate for any individual. Everybody’s unique; there has literally been no other person exactly like you on earth. Trying to conform to some generic version of a “healthy weight” is a fool’s errand.

So start the New Year off right by saying “FUCK IT” to losing weight. Instead, focus on eating healthier, exercising more, and ridding yourself of bad habits. If you lose weight in the process, so be it. If not, then believe your body when it tells you you’re just the right size.

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Marketing Time Management: What’s Been Worth the Effort

DISCLAIMER: The vast majority of this stuff won’t work.

Marketing is a big freaking deal when you’re trying to be a professional author. Which is unfortunate, because it feels like an exercise in futility. “Focus on the marketing things you like to do!” is a common nugget of wisdom from the pros. But what if you don’t like any of it? Then it sucks to be you!

Okay, there’s a teensy bit of it I liked, which I’ll detail later.

For my latest release RECKONING in July, I decided to put together a no-kidding-for-real marketing plan, detailed below, along with my assessment of its effectiveness. Results may vary from author to author, but in case you plan on trying your hand at publishing a book and your publishing company (if you have one) offers little to no marketing backup – which is unfortunately typical – then at least you can use my toiling as a place to start!

The key metrics are: 1) website traffic; 3) newsletter subscribers; 3) books sold. The first two in theory should directly lead to the last.

  • Schedule daily Facebook posts once a week – RESULTS: minorly effective; most posts had a fairly low # reached rate, though the number of people following my feed did steadily increase over time, so a slight positive net effect
  • Write a blog every two weeks (STRETCH: once a week) – RESULTS: ineffective; writing posts is important to keep your website from growing stale, but I had very few comments on any of my posts, making interactions with my potential audience non-existent
  • Spend 10 minutes each day liking/responding to other author’s Facebook posts; RESULTS: ineffective; okay, this is my fault because I didn’t do much of this; I’m just not a social media person, and perusing Facebook feels more like a chore than a way to keep up with friends
  • Compile a list of authors for blurbs/reviews – RESULTS: N/A; I didn’t end up doing this due to the intensive logistics required, though I might try it for my next release
    • Send author requests for blurbs/reviews
    • Offer to send authors all three books
    • Send ARCs to those who respond; follow up with those who don’t respond
    • Have some suggested blurbs ready to make it super-easy for authors short on time
  • Compile list of romance book review blogs, ask them for reviews – RESULTS: effective; though I didn’t get reviews in any major blogs, the ones I did get were good and resulted in some traffic to my website  
  • Update website to focus on my story, not my books – RESULTS: ineffective; I thought about doing this, but decided against it; this is more of a strategy for someone releasing a non-fiction book, where an author’s personal story or expertise is relevant to the book
    • Focus on what makes me unique/newsworthy/worth following, and what I can do for my readers
    • Books should be secondary focus (even though primary goal is to sell books)
  • Find out what a pre-sales list is, try to make one myself – RESULTS: N/A; didn’t need to do this 
    • Pre-sales list is a list of places that will pre-sell your book, like Amazon and Google
    • Already have pre-sales going on via my publisher, so don’t need this
  • Create a sell sheet – REVIEW: N/A; didn’t need to do this
    • Used to convince bookstores to sell your books
    • Not necessary for me
  • Create an online media kit – RESULTS: effective; the online press kit was helpful to send to possible reviewers and anyone else who asked for more information, though the press release was unnecessary
    • A PDF file or webpage (most ppl prefer PDF, cuz it’s easier to copy from) that bloggers or other media people can use to quickly write a story or review about your book
    • Keep it simple; ppl want to easily skim it and find the info they need
    • Include in the kit:
      • A press release, usually the one you write for the book’s launch.
      • Author bio, including previous publications and qualifications to write the book. Include author’s platform information. (keep it very short)
      • Author photo, and it’s smart to include high-resolution files for print and low-resolution for online use.
      • Book photo, with the same resolutions as the author photo.
      • Any awards the book or series has won
      • Testimonials
      • Sample interview questions and Q&A
      • Excerpts from the book and sample chapters
      • Links to everything and contact info
      • Here’s a good example: <https://michaelhyatt.com/platform/media
  • E-mail press release to media and bloggers – RESULTS: ineffective; even though I subscribed to HARO (Help A Reporter Out website), it became clear over a few months that nobody was looking for a story like my press release; this could be useful for non-fiction books where an author wants to advertise the fact they’re an expert at something
  • Create some memes (put name & website on them) – RESULTS: effective; good for sending to bloggers who reviewed my book and posting on my website
  • (maybe) Create a book trailer – RESULTS: N/A; didn’t end up doing this, but worth a try for my next release
  • Come up with special promotion offers ~1 month before book release – RESULTS: mostly ineffective; offering Amazon gift cards to people who signed up for my newsletter or commented on a post had a negligible effect on book sales; probably better than nothing, but mostly a waste of money as people would sign up for the gift card, then unsubscribe shortly after; need less costly promo offers next time, or none at all
  • Day-of live Facebook celebration – RESULTS: ineffective; gave away books to my friends, ended up talking to myself for three hours while no one watched; either don’t do again for next release, or keep it to an hour with a specific structure/script that I can edit and use later
  • Set up a blog tour – RESULTS: effective; writing guest blogs was probably the best tactic in my strategic toolkit, as I usually had a (small) surge of people who signed up for my newsletter after my guest blogs were published
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Finishing Battlefield High

I’ve finished my last edit of Battlefield High – formerly known as The Red Election – which will soon be circulated amongst publishers for a fierce bidding war, I’m sure. I basically added a bunch of smaller “character moments” to slow down the relentless pace a bit and flesh out some secondary characters. My future editor will probably want me to cut it all out, cuz that’s the way the biz works.

You think you’ve written a masterpiece, and a professional killjoy (I mean that in the most loving way) sends you a multi-page critique going into extreme detail on how it’s all crap. Then, after I’m done wallowing in self-pity and my serotonin levels rebound, I’ll get to editing it again, and then again, and then probably again, until it’s as good as it’s ever going to get, for better or worse.

Wanna see some sneak peeks into Battlefield High? Then subscribe to my newsletter! I regularly post samples of it in that venue, along with exciting reader news and gorgeous cat montages.

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Why Popular Romance Novels Aren’t Made Into Movies

Why not more of this?

Why aren’t romance novels adapted into movies or TV shows more often? Aside from Hallmark channel movies, Fifty Shades of Grey, and the relatively recent Starz hit Outlander, a big-screen romance based on a book is a rare breed…with the notable exception of teen rom-coms on Netflix, cuz kids eat that shit up. But if romance is the biggest-selling book genre, and best-selling books are hot Hollywood commodities due to their built-in audiences, then why aren’t there more of them?

Your first instinct may be to claim sexism, but I don’t think that’s the case – at least not the main reason. Most cinematic joints have a romance element of some kind, so it doesn’t make sense to conclude Hollywood execs always shy away from “chick stuff.” I think the real deciding factor comes down to how cinematically adaptable a story is, meaning how well it follows a standard story structure.

I’ve read a lot of craft books, and though they all focus on different aspects of writing, they’re all surprisingly consistent on how a story should be generally structured for maximum effect.  A story basically flows like this from start to finish: hook (happens immediately) -> inciting incident (anytime before plot point 1) -> plot point 1 (~25%) -> midpoint (50%) -> plot point 2 (75%) -> climax/denoument (90%). Some craft books break this flow into Acts, but the beats are the same. Nearly every professionally-made book or movie follows it…

…Except romance novels.

Now I’m sure this isn’t the case with all romance novels. I’ll admit I have not in fact read every romance novel, so my sample size is limited in that respect. But I’ve read enough to notice a pattern. Romance novels often break the narrative formula in favor of deep-diving into their character’s psyches or the minutiae of their relationships.

For instance, the last romance I read was supposed to be a suspense, though by Chapter 4 I still hadn’t figured out what the hook or inciting incident was supposed to be (meaning I wasn’t given a reason why I should care about the characters, other than they seemed to be decent if painfully bland people). In the one before that, an erotic contemporary, the story seemed to kick off right at plot point 1, leaving me scrambling to figure out who the characters were as they boned (and boned and boned…). And the one before that, another romantic suspense, the main mystery was established in the first thirty pages as plot point 1, and then…nothing happened. The plot did not move one inch forward for nearly 100 more pages, instead focusing on the hero and heroine making googly eyes at each other for approximately an infinite amount of time.

This is a big reason why I don’t finish many romance novels – the story structure just isn’t sound. However, I’ll admit I care a lot about plot, probably more than the average romance writer, and my stories tend to be plot-heavy with intricate storylines. I’m sure this colors my opinion. But without the plot, the characters are just kind of floating in a nebulous cloud of a world, thinking and feeling things for no particular reason other than the author wants them to.

And yet romance novels are still hugely successful despite bucking the formula. Why? I suspect it’s because readers are looking for a feeling more than a story. They want to capture the essence of love and sex and everything in between; the rest is secondary. I’ve noticed my monthly Romance Writer’s Report, published by the RWA, features lots of advice on characters (and marketing…a SHIT-TON on marketing), and very little on story structure.

Eschewing the traditional story structure doesn’t mean romance novels are “wrong;” it just means they’re not inherently cinematic. I think it’s also a big reason why romance novels get a lot of crap for being “bad.” They’re not bad, they’re just different.

It all comes down to what the audience wants – a feeling or a story.

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Are You a Romance or Love Stories Girl?

(This post was first published on the Long and Short Reviews blog as part of my RECKONING blog tour)

Do you believe there’s a difference between a romance and a love story? I do – but do you? And, more importantly, are you a romance girl or a love story girl (or dude…I use the term interchangeably)?

The Romance Writers of America can help us out here! Their definition of a romance is a story with “a central love story and an emotionally satisfying and optimistic ending.” It follows that any story which doesn’t conform to these two elements is not a romance. “Love story” implies the primary plot is focused on love, so the difference is the HEA.

So: central love story plus HEA = romance; central love story with no HEA = love story.

Or does it?

What about the first 50 Shades of Grey? That one doesn’t have an HEA. It follows the same couple, Christian and Ana, through two more books of their romantic misadventures. In fact, some would argue there’s no love story, either, as Christian displays what many consider stalking and abusive behavior throughout the series. Is it a romance, a love story, or neither?

What about Out of Africa, a movie adaption of a book starring Robert Redford and Meryl Streep as two ill-fated lovers in the early 1900s and described on Wikipedia as an “epic romantic drama?” That story doesn’t have an HEA, either. You could also argue it’s more about a woman’s voyage of self-discovery than a love story.

How about Me before You? Romeo and Juliet? Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Casablanca? Gone with the Wind? All centered on love, but none of them fit the definition of romance.

The first novel in my Valentine Shepherd series, Vengeance, ends with a major plot twist that pushes the two main characters apart after they fought so hard for love. It was hard to write! But like the 50 Shades series, it follows the same couple through two more books, and (spoiler?) they eventually get their HEA in the final story, Reckoning. Does this mean Vengeance isn’t technically a romance, but the whole series is?

In the end, it comes down to what you, the reader, believe a “romance” should be. I think the RWA’s definition of romance says more about the people making the definition than it does about the actual genre.

Personally, I don’t like the idea of being characterized as “not romantic” because I can be satisfied with ambiguous endings more complicated than “And then they lived happily ever after.” I think if a couple is blissfully married for fifty years, and then one of them gets hit by a car and dies, that shouldn’t discount the previous romance they experienced together. Everybody dies. Everything ends. Hell, one day the sun will swell into a red giant and swallow the earth. Why should these facts of life mean that romance isn’t possible for any of us in the real world?

I guess this means I’m a love story girl – it’s more about the journey than the HEA for me. Which is it for you?

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Situations Where the Word P*ssy Should Never Be Used In Romance

(This post was first published on the I Smell Sheep blog as part of my RECKONING blog tour)

I love cats! When I was stationed in Afghanistan, I kept a literal pile of snacks behind my desk that I could dip into and think about home. Despite this horde of food lying on the floor of a building in a third-world country, no vermin ever touched it, thanks to the community of cats which roamed the camp.

We called him Toonces, despite the fact we never saw him drive a car. We just assumed that he could, because he kicked so much ass. This war-cat had our backs.
My epic food horde. Every soldier has one, though mine was especially impressive. Back, vermin! It’s MINE!

So it’s really a travesty to me how the name if this fine animal has been coopted by the forces of sexism and misogyny. The fact I need to put an asterisk in the word to keep this post PG-13 gives proof to its negative connotation, and yet for some weird reason it’s a staple in contemporary romance literature.

Not that the word can never be used; rather, there are situations where it should definitely not be used. Here are those situations:

  1. A man referring to a woman’s vagina

With the exception of purposely smutty talk, how many men do you know who respectfully refer to a woman’s groin as her “p*ssy”? The key word here is respectfully. It’s hard to root for a hero who uses such a crass term to describe his lady love, even if it’s only in his mind, or to describe how “tight” he thinks she is down there.

Dude can fart and tell you it’s a compliment, but it still smells.

  1. A woman referring to her own vagina

How many women, who are not porn stars or not engaged in dirty talk, refer to their own vaginas as their “p*ssy”? None, that’s how many. “Hi, I’m calling to schedule an appointment with my gynecologist to get a mammogram and p*ssy check-up.” NOBODY SAYS THAT. Yet I don’t know how many books I’ve read where a woman internally monologues about how her p*ssy is clenching or is wet or whatever at the sight or thought of some hot piece of beefcake. The fact that the female is using a derogatory term to describe to herself how she feels puts her experience squarely in the male gaze, which is a jarring disconnect that pulls me right out of the story.

Internalized sexism is not sexy.

  1. A man (who is not the villain) describing himself or others as “p*ssies” to connote weakness

Cats aren’t weak. They are stone-cold killers who will dutifully keep rodentia off your precious snacks. They have sharp teeth and claws, and will viciously attack you if you pet them wrong! So why would someone use the word “p*ssy” to mean weakness? …Ah, because they actually mean “female.” In other words, something that is “lesser” and not worthy of respect. If a character uses this term in disdain, we’d better not be expected to sympathize with that jackhole.

Get your kicks with kitten puzzles! That’s right – we glued them together and hung them up, because that’s how we do in a warzone. Respect.

So if the goal is to establish a character as a sexist asshat douchcanoe, then go ahead and use the word p*ssy. Or perhaps if you’re referring to a feline who will protect your valuable-as-gold supply of Oreos with their lives, then sure.

Otherwise…don’t.

Damn right.
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