Tag: sexism

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Situations Where the Word P*ssy Should Never Be Used In Romance

(This post was first published on the I Smell Sheep blog as part of my RECKONING blog tour)

I love cats! When I was stationed in Afghanistan, I kept a literal pile of snacks behind my desk that I could dip into and think about home. Despite this horde of food lying on the floor of a building in a third-world country, no vermin ever touched it, thanks to the community of cats which roamed the camp.

We called him Toonces, despite the fact we never saw him drive a car. We just assumed that he could, because he kicked so much ass. This war-cat had our backs.
My epic food horde. Every soldier has one, though mine was especially impressive. Back, vermin! It’s MINE!

So it’s really a travesty to me how the name if this fine animal has been coopted by the forces of sexism and misogyny. The fact I need to put an asterisk in the word to keep this post PG-13 gives proof to its negative connotation, and yet for some weird reason it’s a staple in contemporary romance literature.

Not that the word can never be used; rather, there are situations where it should definitely not be used. Here are those situations:

  1. A man referring to a woman’s vagina

With the exception of purposely smutty talk, how many men do you know who respectfully refer to a woman’s groin as her “p*ssy”? The key word here is respectfully. It’s hard to root for a hero who uses such a crass term to describe his lady love, even if it’s only in his mind, or to describe how “tight” he thinks she is down there.

Dude can fart and tell you it’s a compliment, but it still smells.

  1. A woman referring to her own vagina

How many women, who are not porn stars or not engaged in dirty talk, refer to their own vaginas as their “p*ssy”? None, that’s how many. “Hi, I’m calling to schedule an appointment with my gynecologist to get a mammogram and p*ssy check-up.” NOBODY SAYS THAT. Yet I don’t know how many books I’ve read where a woman internally monologues about how her p*ssy is clenching or is wet or whatever at the sight or thought of some hot piece of beefcake. The fact that the female is using a derogatory term to describe to herself how she feels puts her experience squarely in the male gaze, which is a jarring disconnect that pulls me right out of the story.

Internalized sexism is not sexy.

  1. A man (who is not the villain) describing himself or others as “p*ssies” to connote weakness

Cats aren’t weak. They are stone-cold killers who will dutifully keep rodentia off your precious snacks. They have sharp teeth and claws, and will viciously attack you if you pet them wrong! So why would someone use the word “p*ssy” to mean weakness? …Ah, because they actually mean “female.” In other words, something that is “lesser” and not worthy of respect. If a character uses this term in disdain, we’d better not be expected to sympathize with that jackhole.

Get your kicks with kitten puzzles! That’s right – we glued them together and hung them up, because that’s how we do in a warzone. Respect.

So if the goal is to establish a character as a sexist asshat douchcanoe, then go ahead and use the word p*ssy. Or perhaps if you’re referring to a feline who will protect your valuable-as-gold supply of Oreos with their lives, then sure.

Otherwise…don’t.

Damn right.
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Why “Having It All” Is A Stupid Concept

“See? Give it up, ladies, and get back into the kitchen after you soothe that crying baby!” – The Patriarchy

I was reading an article recently about how Millennials apparently long for more traditional gender roles than their predecessors, based on studies and whatnot. The author speculated as to why this could be; perhaps young men are now beginning to fear women taking their jobs, and are resentful of having to compete with their female counterparts in a shrinking job market. Or, perhaps it’s a backlash to the new-wave feminism of the 90’s (whatever that is).

However, instead of ending on a relatively objective note, the author takes a hard-right into sexism when she notes, “Maybe women have finally realized they can’t have it all, and the newest generation is becoming content to accept that men and women have different aptitudes for different things. Maybe there is hope for the Millennials after all.”

Yes, Millennials must be learning to accept the fact that a woman deserves to be paid less than a man for doing the same job because…of ovaries and vaginas, I guess. Why can’t us old new-wave feminist bitches just accept our naturally inferior status already? Must be too much estrogen.

Putting aside the fact that you should never accept being told you are equal while being treated as less than equal because of some innate trait attributed to your gender/race/religion/etc., who is honestly lamenting the fact they can’t have it all? What does “having it all” even mean? Is it success in your work and personal life? And why is this something women must struggle with, but not men?

If we’re going to honestly unpack it, the gist is that women who work outside the home are also supposed to want to do all the usual traditional lady chores as well, like cooking and cleaning and laundry – and they should feel bad if they can’t do it all anymore because they’re working. Of course, nobody really wants to do these things, but since they usually fall on women to accomplish then we should feel obligated to do them, I guess.

Or maybe it’s just the kid-specific stuff, like chaperoning playdates and gazing lovingly at your beautiful child as he frolics in the dirt and whatnot, which women are supposed to feel bad for not doing.

But men have been working outside the home for all of human existence, and they don’t cry about not “having it all.”

Basically, much like women are slut-shamed for daring to have sex just for fun, this whole “having it all” concept is a passive-aggressive way to shame women for daring to work outside the home and be happy with their decision.

“Oh, you’re a bank exec. Sounds high-powered – good for you! Must be long hours, though. Don’t you feel bad about not being able to spend more time with your kids? Well don’t you? It’s so hard to have it all, right?”

“Having it all” is code for “being a good mother while holding down sometimes-demanding outside employment,” and it’s something we can’t have.

Except I know a lot of women with full-time jobs and a family, who are somehow happy with their lives and manage to raise well-adjusted children – myself included (fingers crossed my kids stay well-adjusted; they seem fine for now, anyway).

So screw “having it all.” If you’re happy with your life, then you already have it.

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